STORYLINE

Fall Showcase Highlights Student Talent in Pu’u

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College officials, military recruiters, and business representatives will descend on Lahaina tomorrow, to attend the annual Pu’u High School Fall Showcase. It may be early in the school year, but this is the night many of the young Blue Wolves have been preparing for their whole lives. Every year, the event connects promising students with those eager to meet, and cultivate the newest promising talent. In a world where acquiring skilled young people is at a premium, the Fall Showcase has become one of the most important events of the year for students. This year is no different, with two promising young people in particular, garnering a lot of attention.

“Things have changed a lot since I was a kid,” says Pu’u Principal Pa’ani Mahelona. “Thanks to Veil travel, these kids have the widest job market available that any generation has ever seen. Companies, schools, and governments from around the globe are looking to find the next Hank Gaud, Adler Walters, or Eric Oeming. They’re starting to track these kids earlier and earlier every year. The Empire of Equatorial Guinea for instance, has a very aggressive young talent recruiting program that focuses on children in elementary school. It’s a lot of pressure, and I’m amazed at how well our students handle it. Nothing seems to shake them. If the world were to end tomorrow, I’m not sure I’d want to be anywhere else, but surrounded by these remarkable young people.”

While all students participate in at least one event throughout the day, and have a chance to meet with recruiters, two of Lahaina’s brightest stars are getting a lot of attention. Mahelona says that Junior Rachel Driscol is one of the greatest minds he’s ever seen pass through the halls of Pu’u. Rachel has already been recognized by her school, the state of Hawaii, and Veilcorp for her achievements. Her wearable echolocation system has piqued the interest of many, and she is sure to have a busy day. Tap prodigy Kaholo Mae will have fine art schools, and entertainment reps dancing at a chance to meet the young man who has been called “grace given flesh.”

“It’s going to be hard having two famous people in the family,” says Rachel’s father and local celebrity John Driscol. He says that his daughter has been amazing people with her knowledge and inventions since she could ride a bike. “She built this electric motor for her bike before we took off the training wheels. Man that thing was fast!” John says he’s proud of his daughter’s accomplishments, and jokes that he didn’t have anything to do with cultivating her intellect. “There’s quite an age gap between Rachel and her siblings, I hadn’t really planned on being a dad again this late in my life. Honestly, she interfered with a lot of my beach time. On top of that she was a disagreeable baby. There were days that I thought she’d never stop crying, and I couldn’t wait to hand her off when my wife came home. Then one day, I was trying to listen to the audio directions to restart our smart home monitoring system, and she stopped crying. I had her listen to all kinds of instructions that day. It turned out she loved listening to textbooks, and anything else long and boring. It just goes to show you how tricky kids are. I spent way more time with her siblings, and there’s nothing special about them; but the one I leave in a room listening to a robot voice reading a dictionary all day turns out to be a genius.”

Kana Mae, mother of Kaholo Mae, on the other hand says she worked hard to cultivate her son’s love of the fine arts. “He was dancing in the womb,” she says. “Seriously, he’d kick his feet in time with the rhythm of whatever I was listening to, and he made his taste in music known even then. He seemed to love jazz, and the old standards the most. I could feel him shim sham and boogie drop whenever I’d listen to one of his favorite records, and he’d hitch kick me right in the ribs if I was listening to anything too loud or aggressive. As soon as he could walk he was dancing. I glued taps to the bottom of his footie pajamas, and when he got older he spent every penny of his allowance on outfits, hats, shoes, and canes. There was a point a few years ago that I thought I’d never get all the sequins and glitter out of the carpet.”

Kaholo blushes when listening to his mother’s stories about his early passion for dance. “It’s kind of embarrassing, but it’s all true,” he says. When asked about how he and the other students feel about the showcase, and the pressure Mae says, “I just try and back shoulder roll with it. Everyone says my Bandy Twist is amazing, but what is really amazing is my dance crew, and all the other talented kids showing off what makes them special. With the student leadership conference in town this week as well, I’m really looking forward to letting off some steam at the dance this evening, and meeting kids from all over. I think if everyone had a chance to see what we are bringing to the stage and table, they wouldn’t worry about the future. When I look around Pu’u, and the leadership conference, I know that my generation is more than capable of handling anything that gets thrown our way.”

STORYLINE

20th Annual Hulathon Forced To Reroute Over Preservation Zone Rules

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It’s known as the most beautiful run in the world amongst competitive runners, and provides millions of dollars for charity every year, but for the first time in its long history, the Hulathon will be forced to alter its route. After a prolonged legal battle, race organizers have been forced to move the race course to a stretch of the Honoapiilani Highway, and off the trails of the breathtaking West Maui forests that the race is famous for. Organizers say that the change will have a huge impact on not only the marathon itself, but also the funding of many local charities.

Started in 2030 as way to honor the lives lost in the battle of Kepaniwai and celebrate Hawaiian history, the Hulathon has become one of the most popular events in Maui. Last year over 31,000 ran in the event making it one of the largest marathons in the world.

While the event raises money for a number of causes, Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC) spokesperson Ike Hoomana, says that the race’s connection to the past is what makes it particularly special. “We celebrate the native Hawaiians with this run through the Iao Valley, honoring all the brave people who died there in the battle of Kepaniwai. One of the fiercest battles ever fought in Hawaiian history, the armies of King Kahekili II, led by his son Kalanikupule, fought the forces of Kamehameha to a standstill for 2 days. Both sides were evenly matched and exhausted when two cannons named “Lopaka” and “Kalola” joined the fray, and the forces of Kamehmeha finally broke the opposing army. So many lives were lost in the Iao Valley that day, that the rivers became blocked by the dead and it would become known as the “Battle of the Dammed Waters of ʻĪao”. What makes the Hulathon great is that you get to run through nature over the same path that these brave Hawaiians did. The flowers, the trees, and the lava fields remind us how important peace and beauty are.”

Stonegate dismisses the idea that the route of the course is integral to a successful Hulathon. She says that the race had been breaking preservation zone rules for years and that she’s simply doing her job. “There were a number of issues with the Hulathon’s path. Having that many people tearing up the soil with their running shoes was causing serious erosion issues. Many important plant species were trampled during the event. In addition, all the excessive cheering disrupted the nesting patterns of endangered birds. I know that I found the sound distant clapping during the event almost intolerable, I can only imagine how hard it was for these fragile animals. The plastic cups and other trash was also a huge issue. Everyone would go home and we’d be left pulling little cups out of the bushes for days. My simple requests that drinks not be provided along the course was flatly denied because they said it was a potential health risk. When I pointed out that they rehydrate you with IVs at the hospital, and not numerous little plastic cups of water, they adjourned the meeting without discussion. But somehow I’m being portrayed as the unreasonable one. Instead of trying to stir up controversy, the race organizers should thank me. The new course is amazing.”

Since its inception, the marathon started under the shadow of the old banyon tree in Kamehame Beach Park just south of Lahaina, ran into the forest, and through the lush Ioa Valley, twisting its way to the finish line on the scenic Waihee trail. The new course would see competitors running back and forth between Kamehameha Iki Park and Black Rock Beach to the North along the Honoapiilani Highway, a decidedly less awe inspiring route.

Stonegate says that the media is focusing too hard on organizer complaints and ignoring the numerous benefits of the new course. “First, there’s the fact that the paved course is much safer for the runners. Every year, you see dozens of sprained knees and twisted ankles caused by the uneven trails. It should be much easier for photojournalists to cover as well, the lighting along the highway is amazing and it’s much easier to get to than the cliffs of Ioa. I can’t imagine how much free time someone has to have in order to have a favorite runner, but if you do, you now have the chance to see them multiple times as they go back and forth over the course. This increased exposure to the competitors has other benefits too. Imagine how bad out of shape people will feel watching these athletes run past them all day. While it might not feel good at the time, everyone knows what an effective motivator shame can be. Sometimes the best medicine tastes the worst. Instead of nitpicking and complaining, maybe the organizers should focus on making their race a success. After all, it is only a week away.”

STORYLINE

University of Maui Lahaina College To Host Free Drone Boot Camp

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So you bought yourself a drone because you thought it’d be fun to fly around. However, despite what the manufacturer promised, piloting one isn’t “a breeze”, it feels more like brain surgery. On top of that, you had no idea there were so many rules and regulations covering their operation. If this story sounds familiar, don’t worry. The University of Maui Lahaina College wants to help. The school will be hosting a free drone boot camp this weekend to teach owners how to safely and legally, fly their drones.

Dean Richard Mahelona says, “Drones aren’t just a fad anymore. They’re almost as common as birds in the sky around Lahaina. We want to help the public learn how to safely use these amazing machines without worry, and without inadvertently breaking any laws. We’ll have a number of experts available at the event to help guide drone owners of all skill levels, and best of all it’s free!”

The boot camp is open to anyone ages 10 or older wanting to learn a wide range of drone related skills including: piloting, maintenance, and regulations. Participants must register online and bring their own drone. The event is limited to 100 participants, but is free, and others are welcome to come and watch. “We just want to make the skies safer for everyone,” says Mahelona.

With the expansion of Glimpsea across the island, and the the creation of the Veil News Network (VNN), more and more companies are turning to drone technology for a number of their needs; but it’s not just businesses filling the skies with drones. The number of private citizens who own a drone has gone up over 200% in the past 10 years. With that increase has come dozens of close-calls, accidents, and complaints as well as a couple of high profile incidents that put lives in danger, most recently one involving a VNN drone. “It’s those kind of incidents that we’re trying to prevent,” says local inventor and boot camp instructor Ano Lee.

“We were all newbs once,” Lee says. “I try and go over more than just the hows and whys in a class. I go over all the real things a droner needs to know before they fly their machines. There are a many things that seem like a ton of fun to first time drone owners, but are actually illegal. I make sure to go over everything that a rookie droner might want to try, but shouldn’t. Things like: chasing birds, delivering beer to underage friends, shredding kites, peeking through windows, crashing into other drones, scaring people at night, or following an ex. Just because something sounds like fun, doesn’t mean you should do it. I just wish there was a program like this when I was first getting interested in drones.”

In addition to technical proficiency, piloting skills, and rules and regulations, Lee says he teaches his students everything they need to know about drone culture. “It may be a fast growing hobby, but it’s still not a huge club,” he says. Ano says that it is as important for people to understand and embrace the drone community, as it is to understand the rules and regulations laid out by the government.

“I believe operators have a responsibility to change the negative stereotypes surrounding drone ownership. We have to be good stewards for the droner community. I try to explain that to my students, and give them a few tips on fitting in. We discuss how important it is to add a custom paint job to your drone, making sure you use complimentary colors, and only high-quality graphics. A great drone owner, has a drone with a great name. You want to pick something that really speaks to your personality, and helps convey your message, while avoiding things that sound lame. The Wind Walker, The Scarlet Swift, The Moon Chaser, and The Wisp are all awesome names. Lastly, for those who can afford it, I explain how useful having a custom casing can be for a first-timer. I recommend your favorite spaceship, or a realistic bird casing. The Glimpsea Gull model is amazing, and except for the weird fans sticking out, it’s almost indistinguishable from the real thing. It’s a great icebreaker when you’re around other droners. I’m actually running a casing mod special at my maker facility. Just come down to the tchotchke hut and tell them you heard about the offer, and we’ll give you 15% off your first custom casing. We expect demand to be pretty high this weekend, so please hurry before we run out of plastic.”

STORYLINE

Audit Finds DMV Worker Harassed Customers Five Hours a Day for Over Two Years

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A state audit of the Hawaii Department of Motor Vehicles uncovered that an employee used over half of her work day to pursue what she called “Licensing Cheats,” for over two years. According to the report, 25-year-old Esther Hele, spent five hours a day harassing residents about overdue registration forms and lapsed licenses, all while her supervisor’s knew. Hele has been placed on administrative leave pending the outcome of an internal review, and criminal investigation.

Officials say that Hele used her job as a data operator, updating information on various transfer and ownership forms, to begin a “vehicle registration vigilante” campaign that lasted over two years. From July 2048 through August 2050, Hele skipped at least 2,600 hours’ worth of work, costing the Hawaiian public more than $72,000.

“It’s beyond me how this person slipped through the cracks, or how her managers are still employed,” says Mayor Alberts Cravalho. Residents are asking the same questions this morning, especially with the announcement of criminal charges of menacing and harassment filed against the Lahaina native.

While her direct supervisor refused an interview, her manager’s attorney did provide a statement which reads in part: “…It is hard to explain what it’s like to work for an organization that is so maligned by the public. If we fully investigated every complaint that came in we’d have to close at least another two lines, and that would just lead to more complaints. A big part of my job is to figure out to what degree my employees aren’t doing their jobs. I talked to Esther, and she seemed just bad to me. I know now that she was in fact, terrible. I regret, and apologize for not seeing that earlier.”

However, apologies aren’t enough for some of Hele’s victims. Dozens of claims regarding stalking, harassment, vandalism, and even threats of bodily harm are being investigated by Lahaina police. Hailoha driver Mark Me’e is one such victim of the troubled DMV worker’s campaign of persecution. He says the trouble all started when he purchased a new car, and let the insurance and registration lapse on his previous vehicle. Me’e says that he ignored the reminders he received since he planned on eventually scrapping his old car, and now wishes he hadn’t. Mark says things started taking a strange turn a few weeks after his first reminder, when Esther started showing up in his social media circles.

“One day I got this message from someone named Esther asking about my job at Hailoha. I didn’t know who she was, so I did a little investigating, and found that she was on almost all my friends and family’s friends lists. I couldn’t figure out how someone I had never heard of before could be friends with almost everyone I knew. I thought maybe I had gone to high school with Esther, and just forgot her.

Then she started asking me about my car all the time, saying things like, ‘You know Hailoha requires every drive to follow all applicable traffic laws, including having your vehicle properly registered, right?’ My mom called me one day saying she had just talked to a lady at the DMV who said I was breaking the law by not registering my car. I figured it was Esther. I contacted her supervisor and made a complaint, and she called me within minutes telling me that I could fool her boss, but not her. She sent pictures of me, and my old car that she had pulled from my work profile page. I told her that I didn’t drive that car anymore. I mean she had all my information, she could see that I registered a new car, but she wouldn’t hear it. Things just got worse.

She contacted my girlfriend saying I was cheating on her in my unregistered vehicle. She called Hailoha and told them that I had provided them with counterfeit insurance documents. I started getting threatening notes in my mailbox, and on my car whenever I went inside a store, warning me that the DMV had the right to charge interest on fines. It was getting out of hand!

It came to a head one night when I got an alert that someone way out in the preservation zone needed a ride. When I got out there I saw what I thought was an old woman all wrapped in a blanket. She got in, and I made some joke about her not having to worry about getting cold, but she didn’t say much. It was about 10 minutes into our ride when she started asking about my old car, and her voice changed. It sounded familiar to me, but it took me a moment to figure out it was Esther in disguise. I slammed on the breaks, put it in park, and ran the rest of the way into town. Later, they found my car parked in my driveway. I don’t know what she had planned, but it wasn’t good.”

Hele had no comment about the complaints against her, and is free on bail. She has plead not guilty and is expected in court next month.

STORYLINE

Museum’s Kalani Tribute Marred By Injuries and Controversial Exhibit

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The surf was up and the spirits were low at the Lahaina Museum this weekend as the much anticipated Layla Kalani memorial opened to the public. Curators Balen and Maci Kiko say that thousands viewed dozens of exhibits related to Layla, and the sport she loved so much. Ranging from: surfing art and music, to a photographic history of the multi-time world champion’s life, and a look at how her board company was pushing the boundaries of surfing technology, visitors had a chance to learn more about one of Lahaina’s heros, and say goodbye one last time. At least that was what was supposed to happen. Instead, a controversial exhibit overshadowed the solemn event, sending dozens to the hospital.

Maci Kiko says she was hoping to avoid the controversy surrounding other recent high-profile Kalani memorials. “It was our intention to have something more dignified than a 30 foot tall Manimal dispensing statue with too many lights, and a horribly worded slogan. I’m sorry we couldn’t give that to the public,” she says. Ironically, it is Kalani’s friend and business partner that is at the center of the controversy surrounding the event, inventor Ano Lee.

Lee’s contribution to the memorial, the “Tube Master Tank” (TMT), was billed as “the most immersive surfing experience on land.” The machine was supposed to be one of the highlights of the exhibit, with several settings allowing fans to experience the joy of surfing, and reproductions of actual waves Kalani road during competition. However, numerous complaints, and several injuries have the Kiko’s second guessing their decision to include it.

“We really appreciate Ano’s passion, and quest to make the tank experience authentic, but I think he probably went a little too far. We wanted people to learn that surfing was more than beach blankets, energy drinks, and guitars playing with too much reverb, just as Layla was more than just a surfer. Instead of her life and legacy, the only thing people are talking about is bruises, broken bones, and the fact that he put a 112-year-old woman on a mobility scooter in the tank, and it almost killed her.” says Balen Kiko.

However, Mr. Lee says he has no regrets about the exhibit or his actions. He says that he was striving to make an experience that was as authentic, and extreme as his friend. He only wishes the public appreciated the level of realism offered by the TMT. “This isn’t just some dumb virtual reality experience in a room covered in screens, or with something stupid looking strapped to your face. This syncs with your ceremplant to offer a taste of what surfing can truly be like, and it isn’t always fun in the sun. The ocean does not come with a beginners setting, and neither does the Tube Master.”

Visitors who went in the tank were offered three settings: Expert, Wave Fighter, and Keep Kicking. Those who spent time inside had a wide range of complaints ranging from: sunburns, riptides, lengthy paddle times, long periods of calm, smelly suits, leash tangles, virtual surfers cutting in front of them during rides, and enormous waves made of Kalani’s favorite Manimal flavor, “Fightberry Punch,” which led to painful wipeouts, and injuries.

“Anyone who’s been surfing for more than a few days knows the joy of catching that perfect wave on a sunny afternoon, but they also know that surf reports can be wrong. They know that: bodyboarders snake waves, your leash is constantly getting tangled, a wetsuit left in a pile in your car gets really stinky, really fast, and sometimes you get pounded by a wave. These are all a part of what real surfing is like. Layla knew that, and I was just trying to offer people a chance to experience an important part of her life. I made sure that there was virtually no chance someone could have drowned, so I’m not sure why a fews bumps and bruises were such a big deal. I’m just glad I decided to take shark attacks out at the last minute. As far as Malie goes, it was her 112th birthday, and she really wanted to check it out. I felt bad that I hadn’t made the tank properly accessible, so I got a couple people to help me get her, and her scooter in there. I’ll admit it wasn’t my best idea, but I’ve seen this lady cliff dive, and drive out of a plane on her show. I figured she could handle anything the tank threw at her.”

For her part, Malie Kahiko, star of the hit show “Malie’s List” says that people are making too much out of the incident, and says her experience in the TMT was one of the best birthday gifts she’s had in years. “I probably should have started on “Expert”, but I wasn’t sure how long they’d let me stay in there, so I went for “Keep Kicking” right away. What a blast! I didn’t know Layla as well as I would have liked, but if this was how she lived every day, she experienced more in the short time she was here than most, maybe even me. What a wonderful tribute and ride. I give it: ‘five stars, would repeat!’”

STORYLINE

Re: “Meal Ticket” Episode 6 Show Notes and the Eric Oeming Incident

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Mr. Abramo,

I am new to the VNN family, but not to being a showrunner. However, In all my years in the industry, with dozens of successful programs under my belt, I have never received show notes like the ones I found on my desk this morning. I think you have vastly underestimated the liabilities you have raised, and the difficult position that you have placed me, the network, and yourself in.

Since the filming of episode 6 with Eric Oeming yesterday, my phone has not stopped ringing. I have had to bump emergency meetings, for more emergency meetings. As you know, we have had many high profile issues lately, and we can not afford another public incident. However, I am learning to lead with positivity, so let me address what we can partially agree on. The first part of your note states:

“VNN came to me with this development deal because you were hungry for locally produced content. At the very beginning, I informed you that I didn’t want to do anything demeaning or harmful to my brand. I wasn’t interested in doing anything rehashed, schlocky, or outdated. If I was going to put together a feast for the eyes of your viewers, it was going to be something I could be proud of in 20 years. I didn’t want to create something that I’d have to quickly change the channel when it came on. You promised me all of your resources, and complete autonomy, but I’m beginning to feel like you shorted my delivery. I don’t feel like you’re respecting my vision, and what I’m trying to cook up here.

“Meal Ticket”, isn’t just another reality dating show. It’s a chance for people to know that you really can have your steak and eat it too. It’s stories of love tragically lost, and found anew. It’s the dream of meeting someone under false pretenses, who has a lot of money, that you don’t necessarily dislike, and competing to marry them. Without our gentle nudge, many of these wealthy widows and widowers might spend the rest of their lives eating alone. This is about the hunt for life and love, an ancient play, performed against the backdrop of the finest chop house in the world, while a lavish dinner is served. New prospective dates arrive with each course, allowing viewers to see love, and a perfectly crafted meal progress before their eyes. Nobody has done anything this close to artistic perfection before, so why are you making substitutions to my recipe?”

While we do support the artistic vision of our show partners, I think you might have overestimated how much new ground your hidden camera dating show is breaking. My office is always open should you need anything. If you had only taken advantage of my open door policy, we might have avoided the nightmare we are currently in. You further write:

“This Eric Oeming episode should have been our best yet, but he was awful! I refuse to believe that it is too soon for the most famous man who has ever lived, to get back into the swing of things with a motivated young lady. There’s no way he should be single! It’s been over nine years since his family was killed in that explosion and his return to work. How long can you mourn? If anything, he should be thanking me. Instead, he’s so damn humorless that his lawyers are threatening to come after me for not getting a signed waiver to record him. They’re also going on with some nonsense about false pretenses and statements, as if lying to someone to include them in a reality show is a crime. He’s a public figure, I’m sure there are people lying to him all day long. This has been a great reminder to me that no good deed goes unpunished. If he and his team of lawyers wants a fight, that’s just what they’ll get! Bob Abramo is not one to be truffled with!”

I hardly know where to begin with this statement. I think you have misjudged how big your seat is at the table. In addition to being the most famous man who has ever lived, and one of the most beloved residents of Lahaina, Eric Oeming owns our parent company, do you know what that means? I won’t even get into the rumors about what happens to individuals who get on his wrong side, since the attack.

According to Oeming’s people he was told that he was being presented with something called the “Aloha Spirit” award for his lifetime of work promoting the love and ingenuity of the Hawaiian people. The only reason that he agreed to attend, is that his long-time friend “Uncle” Ralph Umeke was supposed to be presenting the award. Of course we both know this was a lie. Mr. Umeke personally told me, “I’d give up the noodle shop before I’d be involved with a monster like Abramo, and I’d never knowingly subject Eric to what amounts to a speed dating show about gold-diggers. It’s repugnant, and Abramo better hope I don’t see him walking down Front Street!”

Let me be clear, your conduct in this matter has been reprehensible. Beginning immediately, we are cancelling “Meal Ticket”. This episode, and all previously shot episodes, will never, ever air. We’re sending a team to your offices and restaurant to claim: all equipment, any copies you might have, any dailies, unused footage, and any promotional materials. I’ll remind you that we are allowed, under your contract, to go through: any personal accounts, cloud storage, computers, and physical files at your office, place of business, and home. In addition, we are: cancelling your Phxicom account, dropping your subscription to VNN network channels, cutting off your access to our chat bots and AI’s, and it’s my understanding that Lisa Hunt is beyond furious. I’m going to need you to come down to the offices this afternoon, so I can collect your badge and commissary card. I would suggest you spend the morning considering how you can mend fences, and think of a way to survive the wrath of Ms. Hunt. I’m afraid you’ve bitten off more than your fair share of trouble this time Mr. Abramo.

Jake Tripper
Vice President of Special Programming
VNN

STORYLINE

Consumer Group Sues for Testing of SSHAM’s New Product Line

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A little over a month after SSHAM launched its new “Regional Flavors” line with such eyebrow raising flavors as goat infused SSHOAT, and the duck based SSHUCK, a consumer advocacy group has sued to stop distribution of the new products until DNA testing can be done. The watchdog group, “Truth in Labeling” says that over 50% of the samples they have tested do not contain any trace of the animals listed on the packaging. They are seeking an injunction forcing SSHAM to halt production until thorough genetic testing is complete. The Hawaii Department of Health has launched its own investigation into the matter. A SSHAM spokesperson says the company is cooperating fully with authorities, and stands behind the authenticity and flavor of their products.

Many SSHAM lovers were surprised by the sheer amount of new flavors launched last month, and while many were skeptical about their palatability, Truth in Labeling had much more serious concerns. A statement released by the group reads in part, “…..Unfortunately they [SSHAM] have chosen to cut corners, and knowingly use less expensive meats in at least half of the products tested. Customers were told to “Say shalom to SSHLOX in the morning!” However, instead of brined salmon, DNA testing shows that many were eating either carp or shad. We can think of no reasonable series of events in which one of the most prized and expensive freshwater fishes could be mistakenly replaced with species often considered “junk.” We believe SSHAM has intentionally mislabeled their products in an attempt to dupe the public and increase profits. We hope the court agrees, and we applaud the Hawaii Department of Health for their proactive measures.”

Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health, says that food oversight has made great strides when it comes to fresh items, but mislabeling of canned products happens more than most people think. She says the department is currently testing cans purchased at a number of stores from all over Hawaii, as well as samples of the new products confiscated at the factory in Lahaina. Kaukau warns about the dangers of mislabeled food, and claims that consumers need more protections.

“Back in the 2010’s mislabeled fish was a huge problem in the industry. Studies showed that fish was being mislabeled in stores by as much as 87%. One study that looked at 120 red snapper fillets found that only 7 of those fillets were actually red snapper. Thankfully laws were passed and we now routinely DNA test fish in stores and restaurants to make sure consumers are getting what they are paying for. While we’ve almost eliminated counterfeit fish and other fresh items, we dropped the ball on canned and processed food. In my opinion mislabeled food is the single biggest threat we are facing as a society. The lies these companies tell erode away consumer confidence, and can have serious effects on people with allergies and special dietary needs, whether they be medical or religious. It seems like SSHAM is going around slapping a couple of S’s in front of foods, and putting whatever they want in a can, despite the laws put in place to prevent such actions. People worry about war, crime, or the lasting effects of 127, but what they should really be scared of is the ticking time bomb of canned lies waiting to be opened in their cupboards.”

SSHAM denies the allegations and has hired its own independent testing company to sample the entire product line. The controversy comes at a bad time for the company. It was announced just days ago that it was a sponsor of this years upcoming Oktoberfest in Munich, where they planned to unveil their SSHAM infused spatzle, SSHATZLE, to the hungry crowds. “Consumers can count on our products to have accurate labeling, and the shrimpy, salted taste they’ve come to love,” SSHAM says in their response to the lawsuit.

While many have found the allegations shocking, some diehard fans have come to the company’s defense. One such SSHAM fan is John Driscol. The Lahaina native says that the findings were probably a mix-up and that nobody could taste the difference anyway.

“I really like SSHAM. It’s easy to cook in all sorts of ways and comes in it’s own container so there’s no dishes, but let’s be honest. I’ve tried some of the new flavors and they pretty much all taste just like regular SSHAM, really salty processed meat with a slightly fishy finish. They may be slightly different colors or have slightly different textures, but it’s all just ground up meat slurry. Maybe one in a million could tell the difference, but most people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between SSHOAT or SSHAM First Pressing Reserve. It’s like that Bob’s Best Burger blend you can buy at Big Bites stores. It’s supposed to make the best burgers you’ve ever had, but it’s almost $7 a pound. There’s no way I’m paying that crook Abramo that much for burger. I just saved some stickers and put it on the burger when we have cookouts. Nobody has ever been able to tell the difference. The same is true for these new flavors. There’s nothing bad for you in it, besides the extraordinary amounts of sodium and nitrates I mean. Meat’s all the same once its been blended into a slurry with salt and spices. These people need to relax and not worry so much about what’s in the processed meat product they’re eating.”

STORYLINE

New information about the garden attack that you should know

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Hello Dr. Binyan. I’m sending this message via your personal ceremplant channel since the information I have is sensitive, and I assumed you’d rather not have a copy of it stored by the company. You are no doubt aware by now of the attack on our gardens yesterday morning. A preliminary investigation has suggested that Gaia Guard terrorists targeted us because of the high-profile nature of the work we do here in the applied research division. That is the story news outlets have been reporting and the belief of every agent I’ve talked to in the past 36 hours. However, I have reason to believe that another party is responsible for the explosion and the loss of our intern.

As you know, my work here in Lahaina is focused mainly on producing food plants that can grow in poor soils and extreme temperatures. In addition, we experiment with ways of taking these hardy stocks and fortifying them nutritionally or giving them some other advantage over similar rugged strains. For the most part we’ve had great success. Despite the negative press, I believe our Kükenroot plant will be hailed as revolutionary one day. I had equally high hopes for our latest project, a tree we are calling the “King coconut”.

Our goal was to produce a coconut palm that was resistant to the fungal and phytoplasmal infections that have been so common in the native trees. Coconut trees are already able to grow in quite poor soil but we sought to boost its hardiness by engineering nodules in the fronds to store nitrogen fixing bacteria. This would boost the plant’s ability to generate the chemicals it needs for good health and accelerated growth. We experimented with a number of other hardy trees that have broad soil requirements and had the best results with Hura crepitans, commonly called the sandbox tree. We were slightly concerned at first that the hybrid produced trunk spines like the Hura crepitans, but in the end we thought it would provide a deterrent to animals who sought to eat the fruit. I now believe that the spines were the least of our worries.

Besides its hardiness and unclimbable trunk, the most noteworthy feature of the sandbox tree is its method of seed dispersal. The tree produces a number of small round fruits that explode once sufficiently ripened. Although the fruits are only a few inches long and around, they can launch seeds at up to 160 mph, spreading them out over 300’. A remarkable feat, but one that didn’t concern us since we had no intention to produce Hura crepitans fruit. As you know genetics is a complex science and our subjects rarely cooperate. It appears now that a couple of unexpected issues have combined into a perfect storm with the King coconut.

First, the nitrogen fixing bacteria have not stayed in the frond nodules but have moved inside the fruits themselves. I believe once inside the coconuts they are producing potentially dangerous amounts of nitrogen compounds. I don’t know yet which compounds or to what concentration because I’ve had less than 24 hours to investigate the issue. Normally this might not be a problem but another key structural feature inside the fruits have made it dangerous.

Somehow the coconuts have gained the same explosive dehiscence features of the sandbox fruit. Because the fruits are many times larger and wrapped in an additional meso and endocarp layer, the explosive power is far greater. So much greater in fact, that I believe the “attack” yesterday was actually the result of some of these fruits ripening and exploding. It is my belief that the pressure inside the fruit during the dispersal process is acting like a fire piston and reacting with the excess nitrogen compounds inside.

I’ve only been able to experiment with a few very young coconuts inside the lab as I didn’t want to raise suspicions. Even those immature fruits produced violent reactions when struck with sufficient force. I can’t begin to guess at the force produced by a mature fruit, but I believe it is clearly enough to take a life.

Considering the Kükenroot fiasco last summer, I assumed you’d have concerns about negative press coverage and morale. The employee caught in the explosion was an intern, so rest assured that our work flow should be uninterrupted. Also, he is from the mainland so his family is far away and unlikely to pry. I would be open to continuing my research, giving you some time to come up with a messaging strategy before releasing my findings. I’d also be happy to pass on my notes and samples to someone in the biological defense division. What would you suggest I do from here?

At this point I don’t believe the King coconut is usable for my purposes and would be happy to hand the project off. I certainly don’t have a problem with continuing the Gaia Guard narrative. They have undoubtedly been responsible for at least one of the unsolved break-ins here over the years. With their history of bombing attacks on the island, everyone seems happy to believe in their culpability. As far as I’m concerned we were overdue for a security overhaul here anyway. I look forward to your thoughts.

STORYLINE

Daredevil’s Attempt To Recreate Failed Stunt Hits Roadblock

For reality TV and streaming star Randy Wilcox, October 1st was going to be a day of redemption, a chance to recreate the stunt that almost took his life, hopefully with a different result this time. However, that chance to “make things right” as Wilcox says, has been put on hold after the Mayor’s Office has decided to withdraw their approval for his second attempt to leap off the Lahaina communications tower into a pool of Manimal. Spokesperson Ellen Pahili says that Mr. Wilcox has “failed to make any meaningful changes to the emergency plan filed with the county”, making the stunt too dangerous to attempt.

Everyone in Lahaina remembers where they were when they heard the news about the accident, and many witnessed it first hand. Well known for his many stunts, reality series, and backyard wrestling show, Wilcox is no stranger to the public eye. It came as no surprise that he would be the main attraction to close out Manimal’s, “Release the Beast Weekend.” Nonetheless, what he was proposing caused even his most diehard fans to pause.

Wilcox planned to climb Lahaina’s communication tower, light his fireproof jumpsuit on fire, run 30 feet down a zipline, and leap into a specially constructed pool of Manimal waiting below. Needless to say things did not go as planned. Now, almost five months later Wilcox says his quest for redemption is being blocked by bureaucrats.

“It took almost 4 months of procedures and therapy for me to get back to where I was. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the chance to make the jump again was the only thing that kept me going,” Wilcox says.

“I hadn’t counted on the wind to be that strong. Everything was going as planned until I started to freefall. My cape was catching a lot of air, and I could tell it was pushing me off course. I tried to take it off, but I wasn’t fast enough. I landed on the edge, and heard the bones in my back and pelvis break before I felt them. My momentum spun me head first into the pool while I was screaming. If that wasn’t bad enough, I now know that Manimal is a non-Newtonian fluid at certain temperatures, so even the liquid was harder than I had anticipated. I got a big mouthful before I could take a breath, but at least it put out the fire. I couldn’t move, I was broken, and drowning in a pool of energy drink, but the last thing I thought before blacking out was, ‘Well Randy, you’re just going to have to try and do this without the cape next time.’ That’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Despite his eagerness, the mayor’s office is not sold on a second attempt. They point out that Mr. Wilcox isn’t even done with rehab yet, has made no material changes to the stunt, and has not filed the proper emergency/safety plans necessary for a permit. “We aren’t doing this to further injure Randy. We’re doing it to help him. We have a duty to protect the citizens of Maui, even if it is from themselves,” says spokesperson Ellen Pahili. “We all love watching Randy’s antics but this one is too much. We won’t help someone kill themselves over lost pride.”

Wilcox admits that recreating the stunt is personal for him, but says the jump is also about bigger ideals like courage, determination, and overcoming adversity. He adds that he plans to donate all proceeds from his second attempt to the Lahaina Fire Department and other first responders. “They are the best in the world,” he says. “Besides the Release the Beast jump, I have had a long and personal relationship over the years with Lahaina’s emergency services. They have helped me many times when things haven’t gone as planned. It’s only right that I give a little back. I hope I can reach an agreement with the Mayor’s Office. I’m doing this for everyone who’s been told that they can’t or shouldn’t set themselves on fire, and leap off a tower into a pool of energy drink, just because it almost killed them the last time.”

Many agree with Wilcox, and an online petition has been started asking the mayor to issue the required permit before the Oct. 1 deadline. Among his most vocal supporters is none other than Manimal CEO Spencer Kane. Kane says he is in awe at the speed of Wilcox’s recovery and determination. He says that Randy deserves a second chance at “awesomeness.”

“Randy has been a great customer over the years and is a perfect example of what can happen when maximum energy and hydration collides with total determination. Like everyone who watched the first jump, I was horrified, but I think Randy just let his inner beast a little too loose that day. I’m sure he’s tightened things up for this time around. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve heard it theorized that Randy’s amazing recovery was in part due to his immediate immersion in Manimal. Some say that the energy boosting chemicals and compounds helped support him, and gave his failing systems the extra push they needed to keep going. I hate to think what might have happened if he had crashed into a pool of lesser drink. Manimal was there for him that day, and we plan on being there for him on the first.”

STORYLINE

Kalani Beach renaming ceremony held as statue controversy continues to build

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A section of beach was renamed in honor of Layla Kalani this morning. Almost 2 months ago, a wide-ranging search was officially ended after a storm capsized a vessel that the surfing champion was aboard. In the subsequent hours after the accident, Kalani would make multiple trips back to the partially submerged vessel, ferrying survivors to safety on a damaged surfboard. The story has gripped the hearts of people around the world and inspired a number of tributes for the Manimal spokesperson. However, not all the tributes have been well received.

During the Maui leg of her farewell tour, Kalani returned to the Lahaina beach where she rose to fame in 2023. Mayor Albert Cravalho renamed it in her honor today in a small ceremony attended by family and friends. He told those assembled,

“I’ve known Layla for a long time. I had the pleasure of watching her grow from a delightful little girl into the amazing woman we all knew, loved, and respected. She was a true sistah of Lahaina. All week I’ve heard people say, “Kalani kept kicking” out of respect for her bravery and selflessness. Perhaps that is her most important legacy, an enduring example of not giving up, even in the face of a seemingly impossible task. I know that Layla would probably be embarrassed about this ceremony and the fact that she has a beach named after her in her home town. She’d say that she only did what anyone else would do in the same situation. As if saving the lives of eight people by swimming through a storm after your boat sinks is something that happens everyday. That’s just who she was, a brave and beautiful original who will be greatly missed. I hope that giving this beach her name helps future generations remember her sacrifice and reminds them how important it is to never give in to doubt or despair. When all hope was lost, Kalani kept kicking. She was an inspiration to us all.”

While many supported the renaming ceremony, not every tribute has garnered public support. In particular, a statue donated to the West Maui Children’s Hospital by the Manimal corporation has been called a “thirty-foot monument to tone-deafness” and has many residents asking, “What were they thinking?”

For years Kalani had donated most of her free time to working with children at the hospital. She made sure there was always enough Manimal to drink, taught the kids how to surf, and offered an open invitation to her movie premieres and special events for all the kids who were able to attend. Layla had become an important fixture at the hospital and her loss was especially hard for patients and employees alike. That’s why senior staff and the administration say they were thrilled when approached by Manimal about donating a statue in her honor. However, many say their exhilaration turned to disbelief when the tribute was unveiled.

Measuring slightly over 30 feet, the monument is topped by a statue depicting a kicking and grim-faced Layla gripping a damaged surfboard. The base has numerous Manimal drinking fountains and so many high-powered floodlights that it can be seen all the way from Front Street. Residents immediately complained about the statue saying, “She looks crazy up there. Like a giant angry streetlight!” The hospital has taken issue with the number of insects that the lights and free-flowing Manimal attract on a daily basis. But it is the inscription on the base that everyone seems to find the most egregious. A play on the “Kalani kept kicking” motto that has spread across the island, the inscription reads, “Keep Kicking Kids!”

“It’s tasteless obviously,” says Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate, a vocal critic of the Kalani statue. Stonegate says that she doesn’t understand how the tribute got beyond the planning stage and has numerous issues with the monument.

“I’m going to carefully review the permit application submitted by Manimal. While the eyesore is not strictly within the preservation zone, it is attracting an inordinate number of insects and protected species that feed on them. But more importantly, I have to wonder about celebrating someone with such poor judgement in the first place. Ms. Kalani had no training in rescuing anyone from a pool let alone a stormy ocean at night. As far as any of us know, those people would have been just fine if they waited for a qualified rescue by people who get paid to pluck survivors from the water. The only thing we know for sure is: it cost her her life, and wasted hundreds of Coast Guard hours that could have been used for better things. I don’t think heading out for a 3 mile swim in rough seas, when you’re already tired, is the kind of decision making we should be holding up as an example for our children. I know we shouldn’t be erecting 30’ monuments to that kind of carelessness.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he doesn’t know what all the anger is about.

“The backlash has hit us like a rogue wave. I think she looks fierce, like the warrior she was. I find it hard to believe that some of the kids are scared of the statue. Our love for Layla was larger than life and we wanted a monument that matched those feelings. That’s why we spent so much money on a lighting system that was second to none. Each of the main lights produce 6 million candle power, that’s as much as your standard WWII searchlight. We’ve offered to electrify them to help combat the insects, but nobody seems interested in working with us. Another point that I think has been missed in the media, is that we’re committed to keeping the Manimal fountains flowing for the life of the company. That could be millions in free Manimal eventually. If that doesn’t properly express how serious we are about this tribute, I don’t know what can. I’ve heard that some of the parents have complained about the inscription, that’s why we’ve offered to add a comma to make the message more clear. Honestly, I don’t know what else we can do.”